"Do you know what you'd like this evening, sir?"
"Yes, I think I do. After reading a lot of overheated puffery about your new cook, you know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I'd like some fresh, clear, well seasoned perspective..."
"...what, sir?"
"Perspective. Fresh out, I take it?"
" I am, uh..."
"Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have it...you provide the food, I'll provide the perspective..."
That's what I think of when I think of perspective. It's from Ratatouille in case no one caught on. Maybe I need some fresh, clear, well seasoned perspective. But why is it that I can't seem to hold on to it when it's given to me? I don't really know.
What am I doing wrong? Why does this adjustment, this change, and as someone else put it, this return to a familiar place that seems so different, why does it have to be so ROUGH? That is word I usually use when someone asks me how I like being home. That is not what I want. I'm not myself. I used to be happy you know. Really happy. All the time. I'm trying, but what more can I do? I'm lost.
I rode to the Long Beach airport this morning with my mom and my sister, Samantha, and my nephew, Tate. They visited this last weekend for mother's day. I'm such a push over. I'll do anything my sisters ask, and they know it. But, I don't mind too much. I still love them. When my mom and I were driving back the hour and twenty minutes from the Long Beach airport, we talked. I didn't feel much better when I got home, I felt like doing nothing but sitting in silence on my bed. I know, I'm a real downer, it's awful and I don't like how I'm feeling. But as I walked up the stairs to my room, a quote came into my head.
"WHEN YOU PUT GOD FIRST, ALL OTHER THINGS FALL INTO PERSPECTIVE".
Why had that come into my mind? I've read it a hundred times, but for the first time, I actually thought about it. It sunk in. I must of read it subconsciously somewhere in the house when I walked in, but where was it? I went downstairs to find where on the wall the quote was. I couldn't find it, so I asked my brothers if they knew where it was. They told me it was in every bedroom in the house...Oh. So I went back upstairs, wondering where I read it since I hadn't walked in anyone's room. When I got to the top of the stairs, there it was. Right next to my bedroom door. I read it every time I walked by that now it was a part of me, just something I said to myself each time I walked into my room. Well, that's what it seemed like to me. It never hit me so hard and made so much sense.
I've had a realization since I've been home. I don't see how what I'm trying to do is possible anymore. It seemed so clear before, but now it's blurry, and I'm feeling hopeless. BUT, when you put God first, all other things fall into perspective. I don't know how, but I have to believe it will, somehow. I don't have it all figured out, unfortunately. I thought I did, but I am actually going in, blindfolded and spun all around. I know where I need and want to be, the test is figuring out how to get there. I can't do it by myself, I know that now more than ever. My dad always says, if it's hard, you must be growing. I don't really see the whole picture right now, I just see a little part, but Heavenly Father sees it all, and through Him, I can make it through this rough time.
