Perspective

"Do you know what you'd like this evening, sir?"
"Yes, I think I do. After reading a lot of overheated puffery about your new cook, you know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I'd like some fresh, clear, well seasoned perspective..."
"...what, sir?"
"Perspective. Fresh out, I take it?"
" I am, uh..."
"Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have it...you provide the food, I'll provide the perspective..."


That's what I think of when I think of perspective. It's from Ratatouille in case no one caught on. Maybe I need some fresh, clear, well seasoned perspective. But why is it that I can't seem to hold on to it when it's given to me? I don't really know. 


What am I doing wrong? Why does this adjustment, this change, and as someone else put it, this return to a familiar place that seems so different, why does it have to be so ROUGH? That is word I usually use when someone asks me how I like being home. That is not what I want. I'm not myself. I used to be happy you know. Really happy. All the time. I'm trying, but what more can I do? I'm lost. 


I rode to the Long Beach airport this morning with my mom and my sister, Samantha, and my nephew, Tate. They visited this last weekend for mother's day. I'm such a push over. I'll do anything my sisters ask, and they know it. But, I don't mind too much. I still love them. When my mom and I were driving back the hour and twenty minutes from the Long Beach airport, we talked. I didn't feel much better when I got home, I felt like doing nothing but sitting in silence on my bed. I know, I'm a real downer, it's awful and I don't like how I'm feeling. But as I walked up the stairs to my room, a quote came into my head. 


"WHEN YOU PUT GOD FIRST, ALL OTHER THINGS FALL INTO PERSPECTIVE". 


Why had that come into my mind? I've read it a hundred times, but for the first time, I actually thought about it. It sunk in. I must of read it subconsciously somewhere in the house when I walked in, but where was it? I went downstairs to find where on the wall the quote was. I couldn't find it, so I asked my brothers if they knew where it was. They told me it was in every bedroom in the house...Oh. So I went back upstairs, wondering where I read it since I hadn't walked in anyone's room. When I got to the top of the stairs, there it was. Right next to my bedroom door. I read it every time I walked by that now it was a part of me, just something I said to myself each time I walked into my room. Well, that's what it seemed like to me. It never hit me so hard and made so much sense. 


I've had a realization since I've been home. I don't see how what I'm trying to do is possible anymore. It seemed so clear before, but now it's blurry, and I'm feeling hopeless. BUT, when you put God first, all other things fall into perspective. I don't know how, but I have to believe it will, somehow. I don't have it all figured out, unfortunately. I thought I did, but I am actually going in, blindfolded and spun all around. I know where I need and want to be, the test is figuring out how to get there. I can't do it by myself, I know that now more than ever. My dad always says, if it's hard, you must be growing. I don't really see the whole picture right now, I just see a little part, but Heavenly Father sees it all, and through Him, I can make it through this rough time. 

Don't Date the Locals

Two of some of my favorite people from Italy;
Valentina and Mirco

Adam decided to be funny tonight and humor us all with a joke, at my expense. It was probably the most hilarious thing I've ever heard him say, so I'm considering not holding it against him, but don't bet on it. Well truthfully, I would never hold it against him. I did laugh so hard that I cried, and blushed till my face felt like it was on fire though. We were playing the game of Things and the card said "things you shouldn't do while on vacation". Someone put "date the locals", and Adam thought that it was me, and when I said it wasn't, he said, "I thought it was her since she's already done that." My   jaw drops and I'm in complete shock that he would ever come up with something like that, then my face turns bright red and I start laughing so hard that I'm crying. It was hilarious. Just for clarification, I did not date the locals. I simply got proposed to by one of them, that's all. His name is Mirco and he is Italian. I made the mistake of telling everyone about it, and every once in a while, Adam, or Brian, or Geoffery like to bring it up. It's my own fault, and it cracks me up every time, so at least I get some laughs out of it all too. 

Thinking of

Being away from home has caused me to start thinking. "What's wrong?...You're not singing...oh, i'm not, I was thinking...Thinking?" Thinking about people back home. My younger days, not that I've been gone long...I'm probably still in them. I see people on campus that remind me of someone else all the time. To name a few....Alex, Carlotta, David, Lyle. I actually got really excited when I thought I saw Carlotta, but then realized it wasn't her because she is 5605.186 miles away, exactly. Well then I got really sad, wanting to cry. But we Skype, so that makes life better. 




It's sad that I sometimes can't see how good something is until it's gone. I wish somehow I could change my perspective when I'm in the moment, see how good life really is before it changes. I'm thankful my dad knows how to do that, and always reminds me to see the good in life. If it's difficult, I just need to remind myself that I must be growing. Enjoy today, I am lucky, I'm here right now. Look to the future, but enjoy every moment in the present. 

"I would live here with the pictures still up"

Brownies and Popcorn. Sunday tradition at home. Dad makes the most delicious popcorn. It tastes way better than any store bought microwavable bag. That, and Ghirardelli brownies. 

It's reassuring that there is always something to depend on in the world when I get on the computer. Pretty much every time. Skype. One or the other is online, and the little orange box pops up letting me know who it is. Within 3-5 minutes, the other is online as well. Just something to depend on. I like it, even if they don't know it. 


Tate.  I love that little boy with my whole heart times infinity. Can't get enough of him. His name means cheerful, and that is exactly what he is. Sometimes he just starts laughing. There is nothing really funny around him, but he keeps laughing because he likes to hear himself laugh, I'm sure of it, and that's okay because everyone else starts laughing too. What a doll. 

English Grammar for Students of Italian

Happiness on a stick  aka  Corndog

Dance. Last night Cassie, Laura and I had a dance party in their room. We were chatting in the kitchen and turned off the lights so we could see the snow falling, then I started singing a song that came into my head. I don't even remember the song now, but we went into their room and listened to it. I want to go sledding. There is finally snow on the ground. Falling snow is a miracle in my eyes. It makes me happy. I wish I could tap dance. I hate house hunting. I never know what to write on my blog. This is hard. I'm quitting for now. 

Looking up, it's better to

Wednesday I was at my lowest point with what felt like a million things to do and time limited on all of them. I stay up till past 1:30 am finishing all I needed to. I felt relieved when I could finally go to sleep and I was out when my head hit the pillow. I have been functioning on 5 hours of sleep all day and went a little crazy at one point, just laughing at silly things and losing control of my muscles because I was laughing so hard. I studied hard for my third test of the week, it was for my Book of Mormon class. When I finally take my accounting test tomorrow, I will have completed 4 tests in one very long, yet short week. I got a 97% on my Book of Mormon test and was happy as I walked home from the testing center and decided to head home a different way and Im grateful I did. This picture is a side angle of the stairs that lead to the bell tower. Such beauty. It leads me right to one of my favorite places. The base of the bell tower. I talked to my parents there the other night when I was stressed about this week before it was even here. They gave me courage, and somehow, today, I am finally feeling relieved. Its not over, well its actually never over, but it's not about the ending really, its about what I learn on the journey.

Tcatjello

"The gelatinous material, called jello by some, represents Tabitha in many ways. The ability of jello to absorb blunt attacks are second to non, but sharp attacks go deep, jello is usually sweet, but unsweeted jello is blan and tasteless, and jello never hurt anyone, and is a favorite of small children and the elderly"

Priceless